The night is ripe, almost dry, fresh out of the oven and well-stirred.  

I have to blot it out with my footsteps and rub it in my skin and share

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It with someone before it runs out, like sand in an hourglass.

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There’s nowhere to go. There’s nowhere left to go.

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I’d never liked Dylan and Ellie. I’d loved Dylan since the days

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We biked the streets and played WWII on the playground together,

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And I’d loved Ellie for all of the three years and heaps bullshit

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She’s dug me out of, but I won’t be able to say it tonight and I can say

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It now so I’ve never liked Dylan and Ellie.

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Dylan and Ellie will be three months strong when we almost

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Die tonight, and Jackson and Chelsi more like eight. I won’t invite

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Boyfriend, no, I’ll invite my friend from second period, the one who

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I shoot shit with all day and argue about Marvel over DC and we

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Look at each other like we’re peering into the hole of a birdhouse, all

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Feathers and twigs and darkness and beautiful tangled things inside.

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Friday afternoon, the scintillating October air will linger in the 

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Shadow of the trees, the leaves painted cabernet and yellow oxide

 

And burnt peanut red. Dylan and Ellie and Him and I will leave school

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Together, Boyfriend doesn’t know because Boyfriend’s in massage

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Therapy school.

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We’ll stop at Ellie’s before we almost die tonight, where she and

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Dylan will stay they’re going inside to grab some blankets for the trip

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When really they want us to think they’re going inside to bang on

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The bed when really they’re going inside to fight because Dylan said

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Something insensitive.

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They will take half an hour. He and I, we’ll sit in the car.

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Sit in the car and talk about ghosts. Do you believe in ghosts? I’m

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Not sure.

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When they return they will have folded dusty blankets under their

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Arms and they will slam the trunk shut before we almost die

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Tonight we will drive down to Jackson’s. I won’t know anything about

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Jackson when he climbs in beside me, or anything about his college

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Girlfriend Chelsi when she sits on his knee, but their laughter will

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Light tangerine dreams in the car all night.

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With them and all the blankets, I will have to press up against Him

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In the backseat. Before we almost die tonight we drive and guitar

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Strings pluck with brightness and night, and it will get cold in the car

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But I’ll have to bite my tongue. My friend from second period will

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Eventually find out anyways and wrap his arm around me and I won’t

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Stop him.

​

Before we almost die tonight, I will peek at Ellie curling her

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Pink fingers around Dylan’s knee and see them smile, and now the

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Sky turns every shade between them through the glass window when

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I tilt my head and my hair brushes his shoulder, until the night is

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Blacker than ten thousand leagues under the sea. The lights come

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And Ellie will scream.

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We will be laughing after we almost die tonight. After we almost

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Die tonight, we will reach the campsite, take out our blankets, and be

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Stopped by a policeman who tells us to wait until he leaves before

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Breaking out the booze.

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Asshole, Ellie will say. Not really, says Jackson.

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After we almost die tonight we will spend the whole night

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Marching on into the dark jade forest and waiting for Dylan to finish

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Peeing his name on the side of the parking lot.

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We will not see where we’re going, we will imagine men in masks 

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Chasing us on the dirt path between the trees and one time we’ll

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Actually see them. Dylan will sling the guitar over his shoulder and

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Ellie will speak silent pains to him and I will savor every syllable out

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Of his mouth as they pair up together and sing, with Jackson and

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Chelsi holding hands behind them and in the back, Him and I, we will

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Walk together.

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We will speak only of strangers and unbridled pasts and when

It’s quiet we will breathe in the crinkled leaves and carnival tenets of

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Darkness. After we almost die we will reach the campsite, see the

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Firelight and shiver, and decide to turn back. We will walk back to the

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Car, scribble on napkins at the Tastee Diner, and go back to Ellie’s to watch a movie. After we almost die, Ellie will decide it’s too late to

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Be kissing on her couch at 4am and kick us all out. And as I leave He

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Will catch my hand, I’ll ask if he wants my glove, and he’ll say no. Hell

​

No, that’s not what I want. 

​

Boyfriend’s necklace burns my collarbone.

​

When we almost die tonight, it will be five minutes after we

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Suggest putting Chelsi in the trunk, and ten minutes before we notice

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The bullet holes in the speed limit sign. Ellie will drive on the left side

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Of the road and no one will notice. We’re too caught up in each other.

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And when we almost die everything will go blank for a bright glint of

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A second, the same blank glint that maybe the world was born into,

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The trunk lights blaze in our eyes and the horns blares as we swerve

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Into the dirt. In that one moment Dylan will shout louder than I’ve ever

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Heard him shout before, louder than he did on the playground when

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We shot the infantry, louder than he did when he kissed a girl

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For the first time backstage at a play.

​

Ellie will scream. Everything around me will shudder. In that

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One moment I will be nothing but a tangle of matter suspended

​

In the atmosphere, propelled by own velocity and uncontrollable

​

Momentum. My soul will roll out of my eyes, spin around the world a

​

Couple times, wipe itself off and sweep back in. I’ll feel cleaner than I

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Did before.

​

Ellie will breathe. We’ll wait until her nerves lost static and her

​

Mind has cleared. We’ll tell her it’s all right. It’s all right Ellie. But she’ll

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Never do it again.

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Dylan looks away.

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Boyfriend finishes school but I won’t be there. You’ll find me in the

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Night, I’m with the one I almost died next to in that car so dark, and

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He’ll shake off today like sand and peel away the hours like jeweled

 

Peach skin, the scattered moon beams caught between our eyes as

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He leans in for a kiss.